Updated: Mar 8
Greetings Feralls, it would seem time has stolen any motivation I once had for creative expression. I am trying my best to not allow the stale existence of adulthood deter me from what I love to do most. Write, express and create. That being said, I wish to share with my audience some of my experiences as well as the struggles that led me to where I am now.
In my young Ferall years, I wasn't exactly visible to the opposite sex. Most of my youth was spent being bullied and rendered invisible by most around me. I do not wish to harp on my experiences with isolation as taking a trip down memory lane is not something I enjoy. I will say, my younger years was a very lonely time. Much of my writing reflects this loneliness. It comes with the self absorption that most writer's have unfortunately lol. I touch on the abusive dynamic between my Narcissist Mother and myself, as well as the surrounding abuse tactics imposed on me by my surrounding community. I did not go a day without being told how less than I was by those who looked most like me or people I expected to be treated like person by. However, this did not ring true when it came time to praise me for my intellect, creativity, quirky traits, and my "wise beyond my years" demeanor.
When I started the early stages of developing a sense of self, I relied heavily on my hobbies, humor, interests, aesthetic and school work. The message of my lack of desirability amongst the male populace was beyond loud and clear. As these individuals made it their duty to knock me off a pedestal that I was never placed upon to begin with. I do not recall a time where young men held back any punches when it came to expressing the various ways I failed to give them an erection. Even if I showed little to no interest in them, young boys and men made it no secret that I am not their cup of tea and felt emboldened to vocalize this. Unsolicited rejection was the norm for me and I had grown accustom to people, be they young men, my mother or the neighborhood drunk, ensuring I knew how undesirable I was and forever will be. Even on the rare occasions I received compliments for my appearance(and I do mean rare) in my adolescence, it was riddled with back handed commentary that completely destroyed the validity of their "kind" words. An obvious tactic to give the malnourished just enough crumbs to hook her, but cruel enough in its delivery to completely leave me feeling like the scum of the Earth. This is not attention. This is cruelty packaged in shit stained wrapping paper.
All that being written, I had learn to enjoy my own company, and in a sense revel in the rejection. I saw the kind of young ladies young men would channel their energy into, and these were women I did not idolize in any way. My mother being among those women. I watched how men broke every bone in their backside to get her attention and it often baffled me as I did not see what they saw. To me, my mother was cruel and deep as a puddle on a hot summer's day. Why was she so alluring to men whilst I was a used as a whipping post?
As the years went on I understood why she was given an abundance of attention from men and women alike, and through that understanding I had made peace with my invisibility. Embraced it even. In a sense, my approach to my feelings towards being the outlier, the invisible or the unwanted, was about understanding that the very things that the majority may value was not always something that was in alignment with what brought me joy and pride. What others valued in women was not something I valued as an individual, causing me to be more than accepting of my rejected status. It was better to live my truth than to bend to the will of people I didn't feel a kinship with to begin with. I was neither bitter nor felt entitled to boys or young men's attention and affections at that time. For years, I more or less observed what looked to be a foreign realm of existence. One I would never know anything about. Until now...
The common misconception is that women are drowned in an abundance of reassurance during their pique years whilst men are virtually starved of any attention at all. This very well may be the case for many or those outside of my culture. However, I am here to tell you, this was never my experience. Rejection became the default experience. Even rejection that was uncalled for and unprovoked. My teens and early twenties were a strange time. However, my outcome is a story I do not see many talk about. I was once invisible. I was once the ugly duckling no one felt deserved to be treated with a soft hand. Few can empathize with the women who do not fall within the conventional beauty standard. That's how it's always been. Now? Well, somehow, through the layers of darkness, an entity emerged. One made of moonlight, beauty and wonder. It started with a single spark. Like a puncture in the solid black mass of endless pain, loneliness and isolation. Sure I had learned to be alone, but I never understood the level of hatred and hostility I attracted that forced others to kick me whilst I'm down. That confusion left me hurting in many ways. But as the years dragged by, I started to grow an ability to affirm myself without the constant validation I kept being told I get on the regular because I have a vagina lol. Of course, I owe much of this growth to my husband who for whatever the reason, saw the truth of who I am before I, or anyone really, could. After years of doing diligent inner work, my internal growth began to shine through the cracks of an already hardened shell, and from ugly duckling unfurled an elegant black swan. I didn't change who I am to get to this point. Instead, I manifest who I was always meant to be.
Now, I am noticing a shift in how people, men in particular, approach me. We are living in a day in age where authenticity is dying out. Everything is about performing an identity as oppose to actually having one. Many are motivated by a very skewed view of the world and many of the men I have mentioned at the beginning of this post are viewing women through the lens of the women who failed them. I am noticing as we attempt to navigate this sexual exploration phase of our marriage that, in a sense, I am still invisible to men. They don't see me, they see the women they elevated all those years ago, who in turn, let them down. They are completely oblivious to that fact that there were young women who fit what they seek in the here and now, but they were not mature or kind enough to develop the ability to see them. Instead, they modeled their attraction after men of shallow means and are left baffled by the end result. That result being an even more shallow human connection. So what does this have to do with the Ferall one? Well, because I have worked on myself to a point where I do garner attention, I am lumped with women who have gotten it from the get go. I have experienced the negging, triangulation and push pull tactics of young men assuming they know my nature. I assure you my love, you know nothing of my nature as I am unnatural to you. The thing is, none of this will work on the women they've already ignored. Negging to knock someone off a pedestal only works on the women you've pedestalized. Let's be honest gentlemen, women like me were never put on a pedestal. But you wouldn't know it because even now, in all my glowing glory, I am still invisible to you.
That is unfortunate innit? But hey, that's life. Perhaps we will see each other at some point in life. But now? Not so much.
I hold no bitterness though, all of this has given me a new lease on life. This experience have taught me many valuable lessons. I learned that it is never too late to become your true self. I learned it is imperative to ignore the versions of you that exist in the heads of those who never shared a genuine laugh with you nor grown to love you and know what it is to be loved by you. I learned that the opinions of others are no more valuable than two pieces of rusted copper; As humans are fickle and often move where the herd moves... And we all know where herds of cattle end up. I learned that what was true yesterday can be tomorrow's lie. Men and women alike have called me ugly, fat, and everything but a child of god well into my mid twenties. I've had people I looked to protect and guide me, tell me to flat out take my own life in response to my pleas for affection and love(where was that pedestal again? lol). All of this, and yet none of this holds weight today. None of their words or attempts to crush my spirit holds weight. Therefore the words themselves and the pain they cause are meaningless. Many of these same individuals who have inflicted such harmful conditioning against me, are now singing a different tune. Which brings me to the ultimate lesson that I've learned in this life,
I shouldn't internalize the abusive words of the blind, deaf and dumb. As they can never truly see, hear or conceptualize the truth of the world around them.
That is all. Stay Ferall.
P.S. I'm at work right now and shouldn't even be on here lol. If there's a lot of typos I apolgize but I can't take anymore time on this blog. I should be working... My boss is staring at me right now... OH SHIT HERE HE COMES.