One of the things that often cross my mind as I undergo my little journey in sexual exploration, is women's relationship(or lack thereof) with casual encounters. Over the years I have heard the same testimonials from women and their disappointing experiences with casual sex. Not to mention, statistically speaking, apparently women aren't orgasming during casual encounters. An underwhelming 7% of women orgasm during a casual encounter with men according to most sources I have seen over the years. Other sources state a higher percentage(which is great that may mean progress!!). But the point being, us women are least likely to orgasm during a casual encounter.
I have spoken to many women about why this is. The usual reply I receive is, well, men are not likely to care if you cross the finish line if there isn't a relationship involved. Logically that makes sense. A casual encounter is often approached from a self serving point of view from both ends. Which isn't entirely bad? It just so happens skill isn't really necessary to get men off, based on what other men have shared with me. Sure it is appreciated and makes for an awesome locker room story. But generally speaking, the gentleman involved will experience an orgasm regardless. Wherein for women a certain skill set beyond sporadic pelvic thrusting is needed to get us there. Many men I talk to state that if women want better casual encounters they need to communicate. I do not disagree with that at all. Communication is half the battle, but what's the other half? I would think reading body language is the other half.
As we already know, I write erotica. In a way, despite all the backlash and nose in the air critics who see this genre as just Fifty Shades of Gray Twilight mush mouth dribble, sex in erotica is closer to what sex should be than what we know it to be. Even though I myself am no where near skilled in the art of wooing and later engaging in casual encounters(I may or may not open up about that here), I think I have an idea on how these things should be played out vs how they often end. I was talking to a gentleman recently about women's relationship with casual sex and he too said women should communicate. I agreed and added that men should improve on learning body language. Did she pull away when you touched her there? What sounds did she make when you did this? And so on. These things seem to slip their mind. He admitted that men struggle with these skills just as women struggle at being more assertive and communicating what we want.
It would seem we both have a ways to go in order to finally meet each other half way...
And when I think of these struggles we have that keeps us disconnected from each other, I wonder...
Does passion and lust even exist in the ways that I envision it?
I am starting to think it doesn't... Or if it does, that shit is on life support.
When I picture experiencing lust... It's nothing I have witnessed on the outside looking in. I am married, and I think the kind of lust we shared and continue to share is rooted in more wholesome consistent attachment. Of course there's the kind of lust we're familiar with, cause my Mate physically speaking, is sexy to me. However, my lust for my husband is built on a connection I will never have with any other person. It stems from loving his goofy laugh. It stems from seeing the boyishness in him despite his intimidating image. It stems from a decade of weathering through the storm together. That's something I won't get from a fleeting fling. However, fleeting whirlwinds of lust as I picture it, are beautiful in their own way. I nearly had such experiences but my anxiety at the time was far too great. I still struggle with that today, but I digress.
The kind of lust I am picturing doesn't seem plausible in today's world. A world where people are addicted to righteous indignation. A world where people romanticize their self-defeatism and enjoy wallowing in their own misery. Lust cannot thrive there. It just can't. You can't connect to anything or anyone when ones head is too far up his or hers(cause ladies you do it too) ass. The kind of lust I fantasize about experiencing seems unrealistic as we have too many hang ups about sex and life in general.
So what the fuck are you talking about Ms. Ferall? What does lust look like to you?
Well... Good question... But I am, admittedly the worst person to ask this because I never experienced Lust in its purest form but I will try my best...
I would imagine it's an instant explosion of mutual sexual attraction. I imagine we are both taken by the others physical appearance, aesthetic and presence. Maybe I like his eyes. How they appear kind but there's a spark in there that tells a story of sadistic delight. Perhaps he likes how I carry myself. The poise demeanor yet beneath it is a desire to lose control. I imaging there's just a strong gravitational pull that requires no deep conversation, no care for the morrow, no second guessing on whether this is right or wrong. No dumbass negative assumptions involving assumptions of whoredom, or fuckboy culture or what ever childish nonsense we've attached ourselves too. And certainly no anxiety about whether this is real or what ever self defeatist nonsense that runs through the brain in moments of social interaction. It is a moment of being fully present in the moment. Or better yet, being fully present in the flesh. Feeling every pounding heart beat, every hungry need and gluttonous desire. I would imagine it's just a power too strong to deny. There's no desire for conquest or whatever egotistical bullshit that deters us from experiencing and sharing true pleasure in it's rawest form. I picture lust being fun and explosive and absent any shame, leaving behind a pleasant memory and a warm smile. To me lust is connection though we've been told otherwise. With that connection communication and reading body language would come naturally I think, as you are in caught up in each other. Even if for a moment. You want every inch of that person to be overwhelmed with a tidal wave of spine twisting pleasure. It is primal, unhinged, obscene and beautiful. Whilst drenched in it, you don't care about all the other frivolous bullshit. There's also a friendliness to it that I rarely see others exude. Something playful and light hearted...
In my blog interview with Whataimmereads I discuss how sex is often perceived as one of these two things:
Something to be ashamed of or something transactional. I rarely if ever see it in the ways I picture it. Which is an experience that sets the flesh ablaze as oppose to a lackluster performance that screams,
"Look at me! Look at me! I'm the best!"
Even when people who deem themselves progressive, I will notice they have one(if not both) of the above problems. They will claim casual no strings attached kind of sex isn't something to be ashamed of. But the ways in which they handle it screams there's a great deal of shame attached to it. I've had people admit to me that after an encounter they feel a feeling of disinterest, maybe even disgust. A sort of,
"Why did I do that?" feeling. Many have shared with me that it's just because he(or she) got what they wanted in that moment and is now apathetic to the person who gave it to them. He's conquered his conquest. The deed is now done and the interest is dead. I can't help but think this is tied to the aforementioned shame and transactional perception of sex. It's a tit for tat. Wham bam thank you ma'am and it's done. She got what she came for and he got what he came for. Or so they think. The transaction is complete. And/or he feels the need to quickly remove himself from the crime scene because there's a twinge of shame there. I've had my male friends admit to me that they get something called,
"Post dick clarity." Lol Sorry, it's pretty funny.
It's a moment where he mentally comes to, sees what he did and who he did it with and realize this wasn't as good for him as he thought. That too sounds a lot like shame, sadly. After hearing these testimonials from my male friends, I became disheartened about exploring... Ever. I stopped wanting it as much. Lust as I knew it wasn't real based on what I am seeing. It is difficult to have what I am picturing when there's so many weird hang ups and emotions entangled in all of this. Meanwhile, I am picturing a moment of just primal passion that explodes and ends with a gentle content sigh and a respectful farewell. If that person decides to remain in my life as a friend or keep things cordial with or without some sexy times in between, then great! If not, no hard feelings or ill will. Just another experience in this grand journey of life that leads me closer to a more confident, self aware, and beautiful version of the self.
Who we become is greatly effected by the people in our lives. You think that one night stand won't be memorable, but to someone it might. I still remember a first date I had with a young man nearly eleven years ago. I still think fondly of that night. That was my small glimpse into what lust might look like. Did we end up together? No. Was I in love him and he in love with me? No. Do I hate him for not choosing me? No, I am thrilled with the man I have now. Do I feel guilty about not being fully interested in him? No. The point is, that night was memorable. I still talk about it and see it as one of the many beautiful life experiences that lead me to other things, people and places. That first date led me to taking a chance and stepping out of my comfort zone which later led me to the love of my life.
In other words, Lust is similar to love but much more fleeting and not as in depth. But because it is fleeting doesn't mean it isn't important to the story of our lives. I think of lust like short stories. Short, sweet but can still have meaning in its own way. But we're cut off from it because we've been pumped with bullshit narratives and expectations. We are disconnected from our bodies and desires... And I don't want to live like that. But it would seem few are on board with getting away from this. Or maybe I am a typical cynical writer who should be on anti-depressants? Or maybe everything I just wrote is horse shit and I need a nap? I don't know. I will never stop asking questions and looking for answers. Maybe I won't feel this way tomorrow. Maybe I am on to something... Maybe lust will come knocking on my door. Or maybe not...
I don't know... I learn as I go. I could be completely wrong about all of this. That's why I listen to other people's stories. Stories are great after all.
K I am done now I have to go to work... Boooooo!
To be continued...