I published my second book around April of this year and upon doing so I felt a heavy weight lift from my shoulders. Sure, publishing the first was ground breaking for me because I never thought I'd ever do such a thing. Most of my life I've been labeled everything but a person who is capable. So when I managed to stick to my guns and publish my first book that was a testament of what I can do. However, those buzzing words of self deprecation filled my gray matter and I instantly felt like I had something to prove. So I spent two years powering through two books at the same time, on top of short stories, podcast, woodworking and a regular nine to five. I refused to rest because I felt like I didn't deserve to.
I still struggle with that thought. The thought that what I do or continue to do is not enough. After publishing the second book and finally creating hardcover copies, I thought that feeling would alleviate some how. That I would get to a point where I can see my potential and recondition myself. I figured years of being seen as an under achiever would no longer matter, as I had finally proven myself to be accomplished. Sadly, on the day I held the first physical copy of my book, the pride I experience only lasted for a moment. That feeling was replaced by a need to create more. I instantly thought to myself,
"This is not enough." And jumped on to the next thing. The next big thing that would prove the nay sayers wrong. Hell, prove me wrong. I had to host more events. I had to write more books. I had to make more podcasts. I had to practice my art more. I had to strive for a higher position at work. Shit, I had to ditch the last job for something better. Snag a good job to fight for a better one after a few months of working. Granted I don't have to run myself ragged like this. But there's this nagging feeling of nothing I do ever being enough. I must prove my worth through accomplishments as me existing isn't enough.
So what does this have to do with kink or sex you ask? Well, everything honestly. I struggle with receiving pleasure because I believe pleasure is meant for people who deserve it. I think that's a major reason why sex, intimacy and pleasure is so scary for me. Specifically with people I don't know and haven't proven myself to. May explain why I am attracted to aloof folks who prefer emotional connection before sex because there's a challenge present. But generally speaking, no one is thinking about what book you wrote, how smart you are or what you achieved when they are trying to bed you. I find my confidence relies heavily on my strengths. My strengths being, creativity, and hard work. Sex just requires you to be physically attractive and open to pleasure. Now I get on some level people find me physically attractive. The road block for me is being open to pleasure. Being open to pleasure would imply that I think myself worthy of these things. However, unless the man or woman in question is impressed with my accomplishments, I can't see any other way to be seen as worthy. Which later triggers feelings of anxiety when someone express interest. It's almost like jumping out of a plane without a parachute.
So I continue to press on and put in more than I have to. Until recently I had an epiphany that I'm one of the few fools who is doing this. I see others who just exist freely and accept bliss and pleasure into their lives with little resistance. They don't seem deterred by feelings of inadequacies. They do not allow things like lack of accomplishments and the like to interfere with their ability to accept any pleasure into their lives. I remember, in my early twenties, telling a friend I didn't deserve sex(was still a virgin at the time) because I was at a dead end job and my mental health was in the gutter. Yet I seen people in far worse shape than I was back then having no problems seeking pleasure and intimacy. In a way I still haven't relieved myself of those thoughts and feelings.
If I do not feel accomplished, I hide. If I don't feel adequate in areas that have nothing to do with sex, I will shy away from positive sexual attention. Or attention in general. I will opt out because I think I am doing that person a favor. As I do this, I will ruminate on what I can do to further perfect myself. Thing is this...
I am already perfect. We all are in some way, I think. Even as I strive for improvement, my being human, sentient and driven should be enough. Cognitively, I understand this. Emotionally I have difficulty coming to this realization. These conflicting ideologies makes letting go sexually, difficult. I don't have this problem with my husband because I spent years within this relationship and through those years and the commitment he's given me, puts me in the position to feel secure. Casual encounters however, leaves little room for that kind of security to be established.
As a person who believes in living life freely and striving for that freedom, it's ironic that I beholden myself to what others tell me I should be to be seen as worthy of pleasure. No one else seems to be doing this, so why am I? And why won't I cut myself some fucking slack for once? What's my beef with me?
So these days I am slowing down. I don't do things because I feel I have to, I am doing them because I want to. Within reason of course we still need our nine to fives and all. What I'm saying is I need to detached my drive and ambition from my sexual prowess. In order to build a healthy sensual self I need to stop tying it to how accomplished I am. I must rewire my brain to believe and understand that I am worthy of pleasure simply off what my flesh can offer, not how many books I write, not what position at work I am in, or any of those things.
I know why my brain is stupid in this way... perhaps I will discuss that on a later date. But for now the focus is the flesh. My flesh and what it can do for me and others. With that said, I'm going to slow it down a bit and accept pleasure.
That is all..